My good friend, Paul Daley, did write that some of my poems (and I quote) "might raise an eyebrow or two"! So if you have loose eyebrows or are pretty conservative in what you want to read, don't read on - maybe read some of my other poems which will be in another thread. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! I think and hope that they just manage to stay on the side of what's decent so especially if you have a good sense of humor please read on. I will hopefully be progressively adding to this thread.
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The set up for this poem is based on an incident at the Hamilton rally but no ladies were actually shocked.
ODE TO A RENAULT
It seems that no matter how hard you try
A Renault won’t run with a loose butterfly
On lifting the bonnet the fault fast appeared
The butterfly screw had just disappeared
No entrant it seemed had the needed spare
I can head into town and pick up one there
I was just thinking in my fevered head
The Renault is French so I need metric thread
On seeing a local I knew what to do
Excuse me dear lady “Where can I get a screw?”
I guess I can’t blame her given what I did say
It might have been better put some other way
After the Cracked Plug Run we stayed on in Tasmania to do the Tasmanian State Rally (before heading to the Bright 1 and 2 cylinder rally) so I was under a bit of pressure to continue. One of the stops on that rally was to view an amazing collection of radios (as they became popularly known as) but in earlier times were more often called a "wireless" - which is referred to in the second limerick below.
A girl who hailed from Sheffield
Got so badly burnt that she peeled
She found it hurt less
If she took off her dress
So her assets were fully revealed
The radios sure did impress
As did the girl in the very tight dress
It was really shocking
How her knockers were knocking
Her bra must have been wireless
A girl wore a short woolen robe
As she drove in her car to Latrobe
But as she traveled
Her dress full unraveled
And that was her total wardrobe
This poem should not be related
To those who don’t like things X-rated
To Castra we went
Where a good hour was spent
Hope that don’t mean I’m castrated
Vivian and I were lucky enough to be part of "The Cracked Plug Run", a fabulous veteran vehicle tour from the north east of Tasmania to as far south west as one can drive, organised by the amazing Jill and Peter Hawkins. For amusement I decided to write a (naughty) limerick (limericks are supposed to be naughty) based on each of our over night stops.
A dirty weekend had been planned
By a couple at Cape Portland
But with eight in the hut
And doors that don’t shut
Any loud sex had to be banned
Whilst driving his ute to Bridport
A young man picked up a good sort
Then over dinner
When he tried to win her
She told him that he would get naught
A couple on route to Launceston
Were in need of some love and some restin’
The girl nearly wept
‘Cos the man merely slept
And the former was out of the question
A couple en route to Miena
(Of the two the young girl was keener)
Until later that night
She got quite a fright
When she saw the size of his weiner.
A hot couple headed to Brighton
Stripped off so their load it would lighten
So when they got there
Now completely bare
They decided to make out with the light on
Sans sunscreen on route to Lake Pedder
A couple got redder and redder
The man nearly swore
“Cos his wife was so sore
That the poor chap just couldn’t bed her.
Whilst driving his vet to Rosetta
His wife said “I could do better
Let me drive your T Ford
And you’’ll get your reward”
So of course he immediately let her
Whilst driving his veteran to Ross
He mistakenly made his wife cross
So although he did spoil her
Just like his vet’s oiler
The night was a total loss
This morning I was lying in bed and thinking that perhaps I should write some poems about various veteran car makes. I started going through a couple of makes in my head and thinking "Do many words rhyme with them?" Anyhow the third one I thought of was De Dion Bouton. My mind being somewhat wicked as many of you already know I came up with a few lines and, as it turned out, I didn't need to rhyme with "Bouton" after all. By the way, just in case you didn't know, "Ding Dong" is a colloquial name for a De Dion Bouton.
A Ding Dong owning girl I knew
Bought De Dion number two
'Cos fitted at the rear
It had a rack to hold her gear
She proceeded to ask boys
To come and view both her toys
She claims she meant not to tease
Showing off her double D's
Or letting all the cute boys stare
At her outstanding pair
Blood to brain they seemed to lack
When they checked out her rack
When I said it isn't right
To use such language to excite
She claimed that she didn't know
Her words could be taken so
Although she did plead her case
As I looked at her face
Her guilt was apparent by
The naughty twinkle in her eye